1)  You try on 5 different black t-shirts before deciding which one is just tight enough without being too girly,

2) It takes you longer to pick out a belt than to pick out a pair of pants,

3) You choose pants based on how much stuff will fit in the pockets without looking ridiculous, because you will not bring a purse bag [oh the horror!],

4) You spend 15 minutes messing up your hair, and

5) You insist that cover-up does not count as make-up, curse your mother for feeding you chocolate over the holidays and pray that no one will notice  a dab here and there.

Lesbian mecca, here I come.

Today I draw strength from the smiling face that awoke me this morning with peals of “Mommy! Wake up! It’s Christmas! Santa came! He was here! Mommy … wake up!” You see … the Mafia, MafiaMom, MafiaBro, Nick Claus and Nancy Claus were up too late drinking chocolatinis, opening gifts and debating the effects of nature v. nurture on mini-men, so I was a little zonked out during my 6am wake-up call. Thankfully I got my big morning snuggle before being dragged into the living room to assess the booty. Booty indeed. MafiaMom, likely sensing that this year needed some extra bling, certainly did her grandmotherly best in spoiling the lad. And she spoiled me too. I lost the sewing machine in the divorce, but MafiaMom made right in my world by asking Santa to bring me a new one. He did, and I can’t wait to play with it. After a full day of *playing, being overwhelmed, acting like a punk, redeeming himself with snuggles (repeat from *), Little Man crashed early. MafiaMom — where’d you put that Godiva liqueur? I have a date with Ms. Singer.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

[this is the part where i resist the temptation to make an inappropriate and offensive joke about what kind of "ho, ho, ho" i'd like to hear outside my window tonight ... i know ... sighs and eye rolls across the land, but who can resist a terrible pun, even on christmas?]

There was big drama over the blog & comments over the past two weeks, hence the absence, but I believe that drama has passed. Different drama arrived to replace it, but ’tis the nature of divorce.

On a positive note — Little Man and I spent last weekend in Philadelphia for a pre-birthday visit with the BFF&exGF#2 and her Dearest, during which we were pampered by two of the most generous people on earth. Since the BFF has cable, I caught up on my trashy television: Tila Tequila. Dani = yelp, pant, pant, beg. Lesbian readers, pay attention - you can watch the entire series online for FREE. Trust me. Go meet Dani. You won’t regret the investment in trashy TV. And yes, I mean you Cate. Go now. She’s totally your type. Plus, there’s a major treat in Ep. 5. Go.

Ahem.

Anyway … I believe the rest of you are waiting for a decision and a prize. Right?

First of all, let me say this: Blogless Pi Grrrl was correct. I was only asking folks to share their dastardly deeds so I could engage in some therapeutic fantasizing. I didn’t intend to do anything. Really, I didn’t. But I was pushed too far. Again. And regarding being pushed too far, let us never discuss my birthday. Fun times at Chez Mafia. But I digress.

So the prize goes to …

Martha

… who not only frightened me with her insanity and used some excellent curse words. But she guessed the real deal — burning the note in a pot. Martha, you know the protocol. Email your address and I’ll send you something soon(ish).

Honorable mention goes to:

Beth S. for being super passive aggressive and snarky

Blogless Brandy for suggesting blonde nubile house guests, despite the fact that I’d trade them for salt-&-pepper pant-suit-&- heels-wearing powerful 30-something house guests with a soft curve or two. Just sayin’

Blogless Erin for suggesting the use of an evidence bag

FemiKnitter for being truly gross (love it!)

Jenn for a suggestion that’s crossed my mind a number of times over the past couple weeks

Lucia, for beginning the Alternate Mix Tape thread, which makes me think that I need to compile all these suggestions and make one. “Hello, iTunes? Can I get a credit line?”

Blogless Marisa for making me LOLcat

Mary for suggesting Skunk Essence and Red Fox Urine (where in the world can you procure those anyway?)

Melanie for her mind-fuckery idea involving bengay and STD accusations

Mote for a suggestion that involves tools. The Mafia loves tools

PumpkinMama for a simultaneous passive aggression & reality check

Rabbitch for combining a song list, Addis, blood, camel/tussah, and cocktails in the same idea

Suzanne for a scientifically educational idea involving the smell of semen (eeeeww yuck yuck)

Terry, for introducing me to my new favorite song: Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood

Thorny for an idea involving Taco Bell, shit, lighter fluid and the word “fuckwaddery”

Now pardon me while I go drop a wad on iTunes.

I packed too much yarn and not enough clothing last night.

I tossed the antique wheel in the car* this morning. It’s going to visit Dave for a little TLC. On the way to daycare, Little Man decided to play with the wheel. Testing his knowledge, I said:

Mafia: Little Man, can you point to the flyer?
Little Man: Here it is.

Mafia: Ummmm. [gulp] Can you put it back now?
Little Man: Yeah, sure Mom.
[and he did. properly!]

Danielle and I are hitting the road at 4pm. We’re meeting up with my Mom, who’s newly enthralled with needle felting. If you see this bag, you’ve found me.

Watch out Rhinebeck! Here we come!  And for all those who promised to buy me an alcoholic bevvie this weekend, consider it a date.  See you in a few hours!

* Please give Danielle some extra props because she and her wonderful husband insisted (and I really mean insisted) that I borrow his car so I can get home from grad school at 10pm instead of 12-midnight. Apparently they think I “have a few things going on” and could benefit from getting some sleep. It’s an incredibly generous gesture and I’m eternally grateful. Meanwhile, my car shopping is bolstered by some excellent suggestions from Cheryl, the queen of the late-model luxury car. In fact, go see Cheryl’s Imogen. It’s stunning!

ETA:  She did it!  You did it!  I’m so excited!  Thanks!  Now we get to see her DH’s apologies.  Fun times.

I usually don’t fundraise on the blog, but Dorothy is SO close to her goal, and her deadline is tomorrow.

She started raising money in early May, boosted by her DH’s skepticism that she could raise $2000, so let’s prove him wrong. A couple days later he pledged to publicly apologize on the blog if she meets her goal. Let’s show him!

And did I mention that there are tons of prizes, with photos and generous donations peppered in her posts over the last two months.

Fleece Artist.
Warshrag cotton.
A book.
Wool/cashmere.
Dorchester Farms sock yarn.
Sheep Shop One.
Rabbitch hand dyed.
Misti cotton.
Photos.
Noro Silk Garden.
Lorna’s Laces.
Socks That Rock. etc.

I donated. Can you help? We only need another $200ish. Let’s prove her DH wrong. We’re so close!

Last night, I dragged Danielle to NH with me to meet a wheel, get a spinning lesson, and play. Terry brought two wheels for me (Cheryl’s Ashford Traveller and Julia’s Ashford Joy), and since Danielle won’t get her loaner wheel for a little while, I decided to share. Upon arrival, Cheryl & Terry got to work setting up the wheels, pulling out practice fiber, and guiding us through those awkward first moments. Cheryl sat with me, drafted while I treadled, treadled while I drafted, and reoriented me when I made spirally telephone cord. Apparently I’m a little high strung [who knew? read: deep sarcasm], so I was treadling too fast.

I got to watch a bunch of very experienced women spin, knit and chat, but I was completely awed at the little tiny charka that someone brought along. I’ve never seen one in use before, and it was very interesting.

After playing at the wheel for 2 hours last night, I burned through 2 ounces of beautiful Ward Brook Farm roving that Cheryl shared with me, and after another 1/2 hour today, I burned through nearly an ounce of Ward Brook Farm roving that I bought last year.

See … my first handspun yarn! At the very right edge of the bobbin you can see the beautiful red+purple that Cheryl brought for me, and the forest+pink+maroon is my roving that I spun this morning.

At this point, I wonder how long it’ll take to work through my miniature fiber stash.

Long before I knew the wheel was coming to my house, I planned to use some vacation time this week, so I’ll be home home home for the next 10 days with a new toy toy toy. Hip hip hooray!

I got a little light reading for the vacation. We LOVE the library at ChezMafia.

Because I love the cover afghan of Cables Untangled, choices for my SockPal, to pick a swatch for The Walker Treasury Project, and to help me with the finishing details on the Baby Dale (a lofty goal).

Other plans for vacation:

1) finish the grape arbor/pergola before Little Man’s birthday party on the 27th.
2) spin every day (i.e. zen it up)
3) work on the Dale
4) photograph the stash for Ravelry
5) work on the downstairs bathroom before visitors arrive and need to use it (eek!) — finish painting walls; paint ceiling; paint beadboard; disconnect the toilet, remove remnants of old flooring & replace wax ring; sand & paint floor (a stop-gap measure).
6) post an update to the upstairs bathroom saga (since I’ve heard from more than a couple people that they’re anxiously awaiting the end of that story — who knew?)
7) post the “dick swinging at the plumbing supply house” story.

On Saturday, I’m laying the in the hammock. I’m aware that Little Man is romping around the yard doing things that children do when they’re allowed to roam, but paying little attention to the details of his exploration. Which is a good thing, because the beauty of this gift would’ve been less had I known it was coming.

Happy Mother’s Day!!! I’m off to NHS&W to celebrate in wooly style.

Alright — now that I’ve made my SockPal purchase, I’m sending out the word — Emily updated her Etsy shop tonight and skeins are going fast.

I grabbed some Fresh Air for my Pal, and some Tapestry for a long-overdue knit gift. I fought the Blackberry temptation, and it was hard (the color is similiar to the Gramma’s Blueberry Pie socks that I already own). Okay, fine, I admit it. I got Iris Garden too. I’d really like Fall Mums to reappear. Or Hollyhocks. Or Muir Woods.

For the moment, I’ll have to be content with the Froggy that I’m currently knitting into Anastasias.

The couple directly across the street from us their first baby last Tuesday. We don’t know them well, but initial indications say that they’re nice. The Dad said his garage is always open and that we should help ourselves to any tools that we don’t already own. He owns a gardening company and offered to haul our yard waste away. Yeah. Seriously nice people.

So I knit a hat. And instead of knitting something that I would like, I knit something that they would like. Whoah. People - this is a big development. I would never knit a picot edge. I would never knit a flare. I would absolutely never knit in shocking pink. But they’re fairly traditional people, so I knit something pink and frilly. Caah-razy.

Details: Lion Brand Cotton Ease (leftovers from knitting the Womb)
Pattern: My own
Needles: KnitPicks Circs size 4 (I think)
Started: May 3rd
Finished: May 4th

(decreases stretched out by Little Man’s Ted Kennedy head)

Then Wifey put together an amazing basket with a stuffed dog, yellow tulips, artisan bread (wrapped in muslin and tied with a pink bow), hummus, grapes, a block of cheese, and some other stuff in the bottom of the basket:

I know. She’s good, isn’t she?

When you find out that your boss threw you under the bus, what do you do?

Monkey, Dale (more here), and Surprise Love