Posts filed under 'Divorce'

A Bully and My Boy

I won’t be bullied into deleting the blog, or into shutting down my Flickr account. Even if someone goes into my Flickr and deletes photos. Even if she threatens “pursue a different approach with regards to custody.” If there was actual power behind her the custody threat, I would worry. After all, Little Man is everything to me, and she knows that. It’s her strongest weapon.

Obviously there’s a much bigger story (isn’t there always?), but I can’t go into it here.

I can say that through it all, I can’t stop wondering why I’m the one being attacked? I am not the person who left the marriage in exchange for the girl next door. Shouldn’t there be some guilt? Some apologies? Some walking on eggshells? Some sensitivity? Some compassion? Any shred of basic human decency?

I just want to end this senseless fighting. Even if we’re not fighting in front of Little Man, which we don’t, he must pick up on that energy. And he’s displaying tell-tale signs of stress, which his teachers are telling us about.

We must stop. We must try to be civil. We must cooperate. If we can’t, then we’re harming him. And that breaks my heart. I must protect my boy from the stress he’s experiencing.

Oh god Little Man, please stop hurting. It’s going to be okay. I’m trying so hard. I’m nearly biting my tongue off to keep the nastiness safely unspoken. I’m doing this for you, my little love. I know the fighting hurts you, so I’m trying to bite bite bite bite bite bite bite bite my tongue. Trying to be civil. This is so hard. But for you — anything. Anything. My sweet little love. For you, I will bite my tongue and try to stop this fighting. My boy. Oh, my sad little boy. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow and enclose you in my arms and rest my nose on your soft little curls.


60 comments January 18, 2008

What a Year for a New Year

In looking through my ‘07 resolutions, I didn’t do too poorly. Especially when you consider the two huge life changes that were unexpected and largely out of my control: the divorce and being recruited into a graduate program. Still, as I look at the list, I feel a twinge of guilt for not achieving everything I set out to do. It’s silly, I know. But I’m a striver like that.

However, this year I pledge to be a realist. Life is short. Relationships are unpredictable. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. Therefore, I intend to focus more on the present, less on the future, and way less on what other people are doing/accomplishing. Accordingly, my goals are:

Human
pay attention and go with the flow
… continue to be mindful of my body, fitness and health
… continue to love my little boy with all of my heart, and make all decisions with his needs in mind
… regularly tell friends and family how much I appreciate them

Employee & Student
… focus. focus. focus. produce. produce. produce.
… imagine. envision. create.

Home-owner
… buy a mattress & box spring
… buy a couch
… make wise financial decisions

Creator
… look to the stash (both fabric and fiber) before buying anything new
… finish some WIPs
… have fun

In looking back, I realize that I finished more crafty projects in 2007 than I thought.

It’s funny how you can forget about things that are finished and gifted away, temporary, perpetually in progress, or outgrown. If you ignore all of those items, that leaves 2 pairs of socks, one washrag, a pair of mittens, a hat, and my first skein of handspun. No wonder I’m forgetting my accomplishments!
I fudged the definition a little to allow the Dale to make the cut. After all, I finished the whole body. That’s a finished object, right?

Note to self: try to take more photos of completely finished objects before using/gifting them.

In a moment of crazy youthful impulsiveness, and thanks to blogless Deanna’s tip, I convinced Cheryl to drive across the state to Northampton tonight to see an incredible New Year’s Eve show at the Calvin: Melissa Ferrick, Erin McKeown and Alix Olson, together! There’s also talk of additional surprise guests, and I bet Pamela Means will be one of them. I am so f-ing excited I can barely contain myself!!! Happy Dance. Happy. Happy. Happy. Dance. After the show, we’ll drive east in the wee hours, crash hard, and then go to Danielle’s for the afternoon. What a way to welcome the New Year! Hoooooray!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!


12 comments December 31, 2007

Merry Merry

Today I draw strength from the smiling face that awoke me this morning with peals of “Mommy! Wake up! It’s Christmas! Santa came! He was here! Mommy … wake up!” You see … the Mafia, MafiaMom, MafiaBro, Nick Claus and Nancy Claus were up too late drinking chocolatinis, opening gifts and debating the effects of nature v. nurture on mini-men, so I was a little zonked out during my 6am wake-up call. Thankfully I got my big morning snuggle before being dragged into the living room to assess the booty. Booty indeed. MafiaMom, likely sensing that this year needed some extra bling, certainly did her grandmotherly best in spoiling the lad. And she spoiled me too. I lost the sewing machine in the divorce, but MafiaMom made right in my world by asking Santa to bring me a new one. He did, and I can’t wait to play with it. After a full day of *playing, being overwhelmed, acting like a punk, redeeming himself with snuggles (repeat from *), Little Man crashed early. MafiaMom — where’d you put that Godiva liqueur? I have a date with Ms. Singer.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

[this is the part where i resist the temptation to make an inappropriate and offensive joke about what kind of "ho, ho, ho" i'd like to hear outside my window tonight ... i know ... sighs and eye rolls across the land, but who can resist a terrible pun, even on christmas?]


15 comments December 25, 2007

The Countdown

With 16 hours until my closing and 40 hours until I officially start moving my boxes and bookcases into my new place, this is where I find myself:

Email
Today, 4:41pm
cc:ed to 1) our mediator/attorney-$$, 2) her paralegal-$, 3) my attorney-$$$, 4) her attorney-$$

I would request that [Mafia] refrain from going through personal items of mine on my dresser, my bed stand, or my closet, or anywhere else that contains personal items if mine. If she is looking for something specific, she can wait until I am present.
This is a reasonable request.
Thank you,
[Xifey]

Today, 4:56pm
cc:ed to 1) our mediator/attorney-$$, 2) her paralegal-$, 3) my attorney-$$$, 4) her attorney-$$

[Xifey] is referring to two love letters from her girlfriend that she left in plain view this morning on the top of her dresser, the dresser that she is in the process of emptying, as it will become [Little Man's] dresser in 24 hours. This morning I noticed two handwritten notes in plain sight, unfolded them, read them, and propped them up on her dresser, unfolded, so that was aware that I saw them. This is also reasonable behavior, since I’ve REPEATEDLY asked [Xifey] over the last 10 weeks to refrain from leaving her love letters in prominent places around the house (i.e. the dining room table!!!). This is a reasonable request. I don’t need to go through her personal items — she leaves things in plain sight. Basic human kindness is clearly in short supply. When she stops leaving her love letters around the house, I’ll stop unfolding and propping them up. Deal?

[Xifey] — are we really spending our attorney’s time and money on this matter???

[Mafia]

Today, 4:56pm
cc:ed to 1) our mediator/attorney-$$, 2) her paralegal-$, 3) my attorney-$$$, 4) her attorney-$$

Items that are folded and tucked in a basket on my dresser (still mine for 24 hours) are in my personal space. There was no reason for you to be in my personal space.

[Xifey]

Is this really my life? Really? Good god.


35 comments November 29, 2007

Introducing: Ye Olde Shoe Factory

It’s official. At 6pm last night I signed off all rights and responsibilities to Ms. 1890. I’m sad. She was my house. My first house. I found her. I poured myself into fixing her up. And I wanted to keep her. But I can’t afford her, and I don’t understand how Xifey will manage to keep her afloat. [file under: not my problem] Not to mention, I couldn’t possibly live next door to The Other Woman. Alas, Ms. 1890 and I will part ways this weekend when I move into Ye Olde Shoe Factory: a beautiful 2 bedroom 1 bath condo in the “arts district” of my town. For the record, 1 block of galleries/antique stores/pubs + 1 extensive marketing campaign = the arts district. It’s a 3rd floor unit. 12 foot ceilings with exposed wood beams. 8 foot windows. An exposed brick wall running the length of the place. Deeded parking. An goooooood Irish pub directly next door (ahem, not that I care about such things … ).

Any of my local yokels wanna haul boxes on Saturday? Anyone own a truck?

To the rest of my yokels: please forgive me for not replying to comments. I’m bad. Super bad. And tired. And packing. And you know … just not emailing right now. Okay? And soooooory.


32 comments November 27, 2007

An Apology

I’ve been sleeping on the spare twin bed in Little Man’s room for the past couple months, and by way of explanation, we told Little Man that Mommy and Mama are fighting a lot and that sleeping in separate bedrooms might help. But since Xifey got the refinance of Ms. 1890 and I bought a condo, we had to tell him that I’ll be moving out. For posterity, here’s his teary response: (for reference: Mama=Xifey, Mommy=Mafia)

“But I want Mommy to stay here. This is our house. Why can’t Mommy live here with us?”
“Mama, if you and Mommy stop fighting, can Mommy come back home?”
“Mama, if you and I fight, will I have to get another house?”
“Mama, when I’m an adult, I’m going to fight with you and get my own house.”

It was the worst moment of my life, and I’d rather saw off my right tit than experience that again.

Tonight sucked too, because I was gone for Thanksgiving, and while I was gone, Xifey moved everything around the house, making piles of my stuff and hers. Welcome home, honey.

Plus, Little Man was super needy tonight, bouncing around the house and refusing to settle down to sleep. So I resorted to an old trick — the stand and sway. He’s a lot heavier now, but a mama’s love knows no boundaries. Instead of folding his little infant legs into my chest, his long legs dangled with toes near my knees. He twisted my necklace in one hand and twirled my hair with the other, and eventually he snuggled his chin into the side of my neck and his body went slack. I laid him down; he moaned. I pulled a pile of quilts over him; he twitched. I kissed his forehead, said goodnight, and apologized:

“Little Man, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. It breaks my heart to see you so anxious and sad. But as of Friday, you and I will have a new home. And yes, my dear, of course I will paint your room green and buy you a huge dinosaur to put on your dresser. Whatever you want, my love, whatever you want.”


58 comments November 25, 2007

Won Serious Badass

There was big drama over the blog & comments over the past two weeks, hence the absence, but I believe that drama has passed. Different drama arrived to replace it, but ’tis the nature of divorce.

On a positive note — Little Man and I spent last weekend in Philadelphia for a pre-birthday visit with the BFF&exGF#2 and her Dearest, during which we were pampered by two of the most generous people on earth. Since the BFF has cable, I caught up on my trashy television: Tila Tequila. Dani = yelp, pant, pant, beg. Lesbian readers, pay attention - you can watch the entire series online for FREE. Trust me. Go meet Dani. You won’t regret the investment in trashy TV. And yes, I mean you Cate. Go now. She’s totally your type. Plus, there’s a major treat in Ep. 5. Go.

Ahem.

Anyway … I believe the rest of you are waiting for a decision and a prize. Right?

First of all, let me say this: Blogless Pi Grrrl was correct. I was only asking folks to share their dastardly deeds so I could engage in some therapeutic fantasizing. I didn’t intend to do anything. Really, I didn’t. But I was pushed too far. Again. And regarding being pushed too far, let us never discuss my birthday. Fun times at Chez Mafia. But I digress.

So the prize goes to …

Martha

… who not only frightened me with her insanity and used some excellent curse words. But she guessed the real deal — burning the note in a pot. Martha, you know the protocol. Email your address and I’ll send you something soon(ish).

Honorable mention goes to:

Beth S. for being super passive aggressive and snarky

Blogless Brandy for suggesting blonde nubile house guests, despite the fact that I’d trade them for salt-&-pepper pant-suit-&- heels-wearing powerful 30-something house guests with a soft curve or two. Just sayin’

Blogless Erin for suggesting the use of an evidence bag

FemiKnitter for being truly gross (love it!)

Jenn for a suggestion that’s crossed my mind a number of times over the past couple weeks

Lucia, for beginning the Alternate Mix Tape thread, which makes me think that I need to compile all these suggestions and make one. “Hello, iTunes? Can I get a credit line?”

Blogless Marisa for making me LOLcat

Mary for suggesting Skunk Essence and Red Fox Urine (where in the world can you procure those anyway?)

Melanie for her mind-fuckery idea involving bengay and STD accusations

Mote for a suggestion that involves tools. The Mafia loves tools

PumpkinMama for a simultaneous passive aggression & reality check

Rabbitch for combining a song list, Addis, blood, camel/tussah, and cocktails in the same idea

Suzanne for a scientifically educational idea involving the smell of semen (eeeeww yuck yuck)

Terry, for introducing me to my new favorite song: Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood

Thorny for an idea involving Taco Bell, shit, lighter fluid and the word “fuckwaddery”

Now pardon me while I go drop a wad on iTunes.


21 comments November 19, 2007

Asshattery, cont’d

Despite my intention to live vicariously through your fantastic suggestions for the Mix Tape note but not do anything, there was an unexpected resolution to the matter last Tuesday night.

10pm: I come home from class, after babbling at Terry for the entire trip from Boston (thanks Terry!), to find Xifey sitting at the dining room table playing on her laptop. And right in the middle of the table is the Mix Tape#4 note.

STILL on my dining room table! A full 15 hours after I found it, and 13 hours after I asked Xifey to hide her love letters (a small request, me thinks). So I …

Put my bag down
Walk calmly into the kitchen
Grab the wok
Walk back into the dining room
Place the wok on the table
Pick up the note
Stick the corner of note into the candle flame
Watch carefully as it ignites, and
Drop it in the wok.

Xifey: “Are you f*@^ing crazy?”
Mafia: “Nah. It’s a piece of paper, safely burning away in a wok. It’s not like I set the house on fire.”
Xifey: “I’m outta here!”

Stay tuned for a prize announcement on Monday. There are so many good ones that I’m having a really hard time making a decision!


36 comments November 5, 2007

Good morning, honey. Did you sleep well?

Here’s a choose your own adventure for a lovely Tuesday morning.

The situation: you wake up, shower, help your Little Man brush his teeth & select seasonably appropriate attire, starch a stripey button down, slip into your dykey-est shoes, and bounce down the stairs, feeling pretty sexy. You glance at the dining room table and see only two items: your Xifey’s laptop and a yellow piece of notepad paper, folded once. You pick up the note and immediately recognize the hand-writing, which is not your Xifey’s.

What do you do?

All answers in the comments will be judged based on humor, sass, plausibility, implausibility, insanity, righteous indignation, use of curse words, and the nastiness of said curse words. The favorite comment, as judged by a panel of distinguished bloggers, will get sock yarn from the stash, and if there’s nothing in the stash that I’m willing to part with, I’ll buy you something.

    ETA:

1) Oh my god, I love you guys. I walk away from the computer for a couple hours (to submit a deposit on a condo!!!), and I get 53 comments? I like totally seriously love you guys, and if my mom ever gives me 5 freakin’ minutes on the computer, I’ll make you a dope mix tape.

2) I’m in a quiet little Borders cafe right now and I’m quiet-laughing so hard that my chest muscles are sore. I don’t know how I’ll choose just one comment for a prize.

3) Comments to this post & the contest will remain open until Friday morning at 9am. Good luck!


93 comments October 30, 2007

I found an island in your arms

It was my first Rhinebeck. And with all that’s going on, I was bouncing around in anticipation. Danielle and I rode together and shared a hotel room, and met up with MafiaMom, who shared a bed with me.

[sidenote: alas, there was no chance of a torrid Rhinebeck love affair for the Mafia, what with my work-wife in the next bed and my Mom snoring away at my side. not that I was hoping for a torrid love affair or anything. nope. not me. ahem. argh. and a little grrrr. and another apology to everyone i flirted with over the weekend. it can't be helped. terribly sorry. I will not be better behaved next time. i lie promise.]

Anyway … back to the beginning … Danielle and I dashed out of the office a wee bit early on Friday evening, so we could compensate for Danielle’s slow ass driving - sit in traffic with 1000 of our closest friends get a head start. I loaded all my gear, and got in the passenger seat. On the floor was an enormous bag with a fat envelope that said, “open the bag first, then this.” I opened the bag. I saw miles of knit squares. I read the letter, and the spreadsheet(!) of names and blog addresses. And I said:
Holy Shit.
Oh my God.
Are you Kidding?
Are you Serious?
How the Hell?
Oh my God.
This is Incredible.
Did you really?
What?
How?

I was in total and absolute shock. The best kind of shock. The kind of shock that says I’m being held up and surrounded and loved and snuggled by this not-so-imaginary crowd of generous friends, many of whom I’ve never met in real life. How can this be? How can I be so lucky? Really? What have I done to deserve this unbelievable expression of support:


-a mere 2/3 of the Maf-ghan seen here, being held by my favorite LYS maven-

I wanted to roll around in those miles of wooly squares. I wanted to wrap the blanket around and around and around me, like a shield. An amulet. A protective coating. A skin. Giving myself a layer of lanolin that would keep the rain drops from reaching me. And then sit in front of a fire, knees drawn to my chest. Let the heat penetrate the knit stitches and get trapped in there. And watch the flames dance in the fire. And see the flames morph into lovers-to-be and adventures-to-be and learning-to-be and Little-Man-growing-older and my-whole-life stretched out in front of me. Knowing that each of those stitches, trapping heat against my body, represents the kindness of people in far distant homes.

Then Danielle started telling me the stories. And I read the cards and the tags. And then I came upon Danielle’s square, which looked so familiar. I saw the yarn at her house, she explains. It was the first yarn she spun on her new Schacht! Oh my god, the first yarn from the wheel? That’s seriously important yarn! With that realization, I lost it. The floodgates opened and I cried (and I.do.not.cry.I.just.don’t.). Deep heaving sobs. All over Danielle’s handspun square. All over the Maf-ghan-in-progress. All over every single one of the 80(!) squares sitting in my lap. [sorry guys]

While driving, she hugged me (thank you Cambridge traffic). After getting it together, ahem, I spent the next hour fondling each and every square, reading every single card and tag and present, and listening to stories about how I almost discovered the project on countless occasions, and how many people were involved, and about various seaming parties and conversations and well-wishes. And I cried a little more. That’s how the rest of the trip to Rhinebeck went — I fondled, I cried. I fondled, I cried a bit. I fondled, I teared up. And so on. Until we stopped for dinner and I got it together. Then the clouds broke open and the sky cried on my behalf, while I drove white-knuckled through torrential downpours toward the Hudson River Valley.

At Rhinebeck, I hugged a LOT of people. And thanked them. I occasionally checked the spreadsheet (that Danielle … she is seriously organized) to see if so-and-so participated, to be sure that I wasn’t hugging and slobbering all over someone who had no idea what I was talking about. For someone who.does.not.cry, I told a LOT of people about the crying. I bought fiber, two of Maryse’s cards (including the one featuring her Maf-ghan square), and a Golding spindle. I spun. I knit. I met and hung out with a whole cast of incredible people. I misbehaved. I drank at every opportunity (thank you yarn-company-sponsored open bar at the Ravelry party). I spent some hardcore Q.T. with some of my favorite people on earth, including MafiaMom, who wore the poncho I finally finished. I taught MafiaMom to spin on Julia’s wheel. Julia’s wheel was clearly built to teach; it’s the Jonathan Kozol of wheels.

She took to it, but the fiber complained a little — Mafia on the right. MafiaMom on the left. Telephone cord: like mother, like daughter, even the same fiber.

I got an early birthday present from MafiaMom, who found his beautiful antique yarn winder at an estate sale

I brought some beautiful Cider Moon sock yarn from the stash, promptly tangled it, was thankfully rescued by the ever-generous Team Cheryl and Terry

only to wind it into a center-pull ball so tightly that no amount of tugging would release the center. Even Sara couldn’t pull the center out with a crochet hook. Perhaps that’s a sign that I need to relax?

I watched Cate cut her Autumn Rose.

Which is when I met the awesome crazy Canadians that I tailed for the rest of the weekend.

And, since it is now 1:59am, the Sox have won the World Series again (yeah Sox!) and Xifey has finally returned from her nightly jaunt to the next door neighbor’s house, I need to sleep a bit before I’m expected to act like a professional human being in a few hours.

There will be more blogging about Rhinebeck, because I still need to do the link-fest. As well as more blogging about the Maf-ghan, including links and pictures and the stories behind each and every square. And there are a couple of other AMAZING bloggy prezzies to post about. But right now, I’m going into radio silence as I:

1) wait to hear about the used car that I’m trying to get at auction (i.e. half price), and

2) wait hear if my offer was accepted on a very cute condo. gotta get outta this place, if it’s the last thing I ever do**.

Please send some of that amazing loving energy to the condo deal. Remember how we got Ms. 1890 together? Let’s do it again. If the Maf-ghan is any indication, then clearly my peeps are capable of incredible acts.

*extra points to the person who can identify the post title without googling it. big points to the person who can say the next line. kisses to the person who knows this one**.

*** ETA: Danielle would like me to add … if anyone is still interested in knitting a Maf-Square, there are a couple open spots. Email her at ASwimInKnits AT yahoo DOT com.

*** ETA #2: Danielle says that the remaining spots are now taken. Thank you to everyone!!


55 comments October 29, 2007

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