There was big drama over the blog & comments over the past two weeks, hence the absence, but I believe that drama has passed. Different drama arrived to replace it, but ’tis the nature of divorce.

On a positive note — Little Man and I spent last weekend in Philadelphia for a pre-birthday visit with the BFF&exGF#2 and her Dearest, during which we were pampered by two of the most generous people on earth. Since the BFF has cable, I caught up on my trashy television: Tila Tequila. Dani = yelp, pant, pant, beg. Lesbian readers, pay attention - you can watch the entire series online for FREE. Trust me. Go meet Dani. You won’t regret the investment in trashy TV. And yes, I mean you Cate. Go now. She’s totally your type. Plus, there’s a major treat in Ep. 5. Go.

Ahem.

Anyway … I believe the rest of you are waiting for a decision and a prize. Right?

First of all, let me say this: Blogless Pi Grrrl was correct. I was only asking folks to share their dastardly deeds so I could engage in some therapeutic fantasizing. I didn’t intend to do anything. Really, I didn’t. But I was pushed too far. Again. And regarding being pushed too far, let us never discuss my birthday. Fun times at Chez Mafia. But I digress.

So the prize goes to …

Martha

… who not only frightened me with her insanity and used some excellent curse words. But she guessed the real deal — burning the note in a pot. Martha, you know the protocol. Email your address and I’ll send you something soon(ish).

Honorable mention goes to:

Beth S. for being super passive aggressive and snarky

Blogless Brandy for suggesting blonde nubile house guests, despite the fact that I’d trade them for salt-&-pepper pant-suit-&- heels-wearing powerful 30-something house guests with a soft curve or two. Just sayin’

Blogless Erin for suggesting the use of an evidence bag

FemiKnitter for being truly gross (love it!)

Jenn for a suggestion that’s crossed my mind a number of times over the past couple weeks

Lucia, for beginning the Alternate Mix Tape thread, which makes me think that I need to compile all these suggestions and make one. “Hello, iTunes? Can I get a credit line?”

Blogless Marisa for making me LOLcat

Mary for suggesting Skunk Essence and Red Fox Urine (where in the world can you procure those anyway?)

Melanie for her mind-fuckery idea involving bengay and STD accusations

Mote for a suggestion that involves tools. The Mafia loves tools

PumpkinMama for a simultaneous passive aggression & reality check

Rabbitch for combining a song list, Addis, blood, camel/tussah, and cocktails in the same idea

Suzanne for a scientifically educational idea involving the smell of semen (eeeeww yuck yuck)

Terry, for introducing me to my new favorite song: Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood

Thorny for an idea involving Taco Bell, shit, lighter fluid and the word “fuckwaddery”

Now pardon me while I go drop a wad on iTunes.

Despite my intention to live vicariously through your fantastic suggestions for the Mix Tape note but not do anything, there was an unexpected resolution to the matter last Tuesday night.

10pm: I come home from class, after babbling at Terry for the entire trip from Boston (thanks Terry!), to find Xifey sitting at the dining room table playing on her laptop. And right in the middle of the table is the Mix Tape#4 note.

STILL on my dining room table! A full 15 hours after I found it, and 13 hours after I asked Xifey to hide her love letters (a small request, me thinks). So I …

Put my bag down
Walk calmly into the kitchen
Grab the wok
Walk back into the dining room
Place the wok on the table
Pick up the note
Stick the corner of note into the candle flame
Watch carefully as it ignites, and
Drop it in the wok.

Xifey: “Are you f*@^ing crazy?”
Mafia: “Nah. It’s a piece of paper, safely burning away in a wok. It’s not like I set the house on fire.”
Xifey: “I’m outta here!”

Stay tuned for a prize announcement on Monday. There are so many good ones that I’m having a really hard time making a decision!

Here’s a choose your own adventure for a lovely Tuesday morning.

The situation: you wake up, shower, help your Little Man brush his teeth & select seasonably appropriate attire, starch a stripey button down, slip into your dykey-est shoes, and bounce down the stairs, feeling pretty sexy. You glance at the dining room table and see only two items: your Xifey’s laptop and a yellow piece of notepad paper, folded once. You pick up the note and immediately recognize the hand-writing, which is not your Xifey’s.

What do you do?

All answers in the comments will be judged based on humor, sass, plausibility, implausibility, insanity, righteous indignation, use of curse words, and the nastiness of said curse words. The favorite comment, as judged by a panel of distinguished bloggers, will get sock yarn from the stash, and if there’s nothing in the stash that I’m willing to part with, I’ll buy you something.

ETA:

1) Oh my god, I love you guys. I walk away from the computer for a couple hours (to submit a deposit on a condo!!!), and I get 53 comments? I like totally seriously love you guys, and if my mom ever gives me 5 freakin’ minutes on the computer, I’ll make you a dope mix tape.

2) I’m in a quiet little Borders cafe right now and I’m quiet-laughing so hard that my chest muscles are sore. I don’t know how I’ll choose just one comment for a prize.

3) Comments to this post & the contest will remain open until Friday morning at 9am. Good luck!