Rebirth
December 23, 2007
This may come as a surprise to you, but I am a deeply spiritual person. I’ve tried and tired, but I can’t find an appropriate label for my beliefs. Also, with an occasional exception, I don’t talk about it publicly, because it’s a long and hard conversation fraught with assumptions and prejudice. Even as I write this, I’m realizing that for the past 8 years I’ve kept it tucked away in my head and in my heart. Silent. Hidden. Protected from the dismissive reactions of those closest to me. But through the discouragement and without an appropriate name, my spirituality is still there. At my core.
I believe in fate. I believe that some force(s) larger than me controls much of our world. I believe in free will. I believe that if you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing, that life will flow. The flow is not always easy, but the flow is gentle and comfortable and even in the challenging times, it has a familiar rhythm and always returns to center. I believe in deep connections between people; connections that stretch across lifetimes. I believe in karma. I believe that trees are more alive than we realize. I believe that the natural world is more beautiful than anything humans could ever create. I believe in the ebb and flow of our world, on the largest scale and the most miniature. In spiritual moments, I experience a fullness in my chest that matches the fullness I feel in love. That feeling tells me to stop, be silent and look around. There is something afoot. Something bigger than me. Something important. But only if I stop and acknowledge it will I learn the lesson, notice the sign, see the connection.
This weekend, between Cate’s always-incredible Solstice post, much time alone, a relaxed afternoon with a dear friend and her wonderful husband, a couple of intensely meaningful emails with a fabulous friend, and a moment of kismet in the knitblog community, I have noticed that my life is indeed following the path of the sun.
As I commented to Cate’s post the other night:
“I intend for this longest night to also be my darkest night, so that tomorrow’s sun will bring the strength I need to create peace, security, safety, and stability in my world, as well as to protect myself and my boy from the harsh winds. To take this unexpected turn of the wheel and use the opportunity to see who I am, who I am alone, who I am without the trappings, and to love that woman. To pour all of my love into myself and my child. I’m ready to emerge from this darkness and walk that path, slowly and with a full heart.”
Already, it feels that I’m on the right path. For the first time in years, I feel content. At peace. Aligned.
Which is why earlier tonight, when I read the most recent post from Celtic Memory Yarns, I immediately clicked through to the live webcast of the Solstice ceremony at Newgrange. The webcast is nearly an hour long, but worth every minute. If you’re impatient, you could scroll to about 1/2 way, but you’ll miss the building excitement and the sense of relief when the sun shines down the passageway into the tomb. For the last couple years, I’ve entered the lottery to be invited into the tomb on the winter Solstice; but with 28,000+ applicants, it’s really just a pipe dream. And yet, I apply. Because someday … someday … I will be there to see the dawn sun shine on the ancient stone spirals that are tattooed over my spine, and illuminate the tomb of my ancestors.
I have no idea why, but Newgrange is an intensely spiritual place for me. I stumbled upon it in early 2002 and from the moment I entered the Bru na Boinne, it gripped my soul. I’ve traveled a bit, and been awestruck by many natural and human wonders, but Newgrange is different. Something draws me there. I will probably never understand it, and perhaps that’s for the best, but it is powerful and mystical.
Which is why tonight, as I look back on the past couple months, I can see that my life is flowing again. I have beautiful, meaningful experiences every day. My heart is full of hope and wonder. This Solstice is my time of rebirth, relief, peace and joy.
If you made it this far and my vague ramblings didn’t quite add up, perhaps these three solid facts will make it clear:
1) Just when I started to get bored of the Solstice webcast and was about to click away, the announcer mentioned that two bats have taken up residence in passage chambers at Newgrange (yeah, I smiled and then I cried a little. thank you, bats);
2) I’m back on the moon cycle, and
3) Yesterday, at Alison’s house refuge, I defeated the evil set-up row on the Rhiannon sock, and then knit an entire repeat of the charts.
Welcome back, mojo.
And to welcome Yule, I leave you with one of my favorite Solstice poems. Xifey was a member of the Revels cast for many years, and this poem is something beautiful she introduced me to:
The Shortest Day
By Susan Cooper
And so the Shortest Day came and the year died
And everywhere down the centuries of the snow-white world
Came people singing, dancing,
To drive the dark away.
They lighted candles in the winter trees;
They hung their homes with evergreen;
They burned beseeching fires all night long
To keep the year alive.
And when the new year’s sunshine blazed awake
They shouted, reveling.
Through all the frosty ages you can hear them
Echoing behind us - listen!
All the long echoes, sing the same delight,
This Shortest Day,
As promise wakens in the sleeping land:
They carol, feast, give thanks,
And dearly love their friends,
And hope for peace.
And now so do we, here, now,
This year and every year.
Welcome Yule!
Entry Filed under: It's All About Me, Knitting, Socks. .
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1.
Carole | December 24, 2007 at 8:10 am
Cate’s not the only one with a beautiful solstice post this year. Blessings on you.
2.
knitredsox | December 24, 2007 at 8:52 am
The Cooper poem has been an integral part of this season for me for many years. Thanks for posting it so more can make its acquaintance (and maybe go on to read some of her books?? another good thing). And here’s hoping for many good moments for you and Little Man this coming year.
3.
PumpkinMama | December 24, 2007 at 9:10 am
Have a wonderful holiday, I am so glad you are feeling at peace and back on track.
4.
Kathode Ray Tube | December 24, 2007 at 9:13 am
Glad you are feeling more aligned, Mafia. Happy solstice and Christmas to you and little man.
5.
Sharon Rose | December 24, 2007 at 9:44 am
SO happy for you and Little Man. Yay for celtic socks!
6.
leah | December 24, 2007 at 10:12 am
yay for solstice! i always have a party on solstice, we have a medicine wheel and draw angel cards and it’s a spiritual as it gets. because of cancer our life has not been the same this winter. we happend to find a macrobiotic meal that happens every friday (we are trying this as part of her recovery) they had a solstic celebration last friday. i was sad that i was going to miss a solsice celebration this year and we stumbled across one, becasue the celebration of the solstice is supposed to be part of my life!
7.
maryse | December 24, 2007 at 10:57 am
happy solstice friend. and a wonderful christmas to you and little man.
8.
dewarewolfe | December 24, 2007 at 11:04 am
Happy Solstice! I love Susan Cooper’s books but hadn’t seen the poem - thanks.
9.
Danielle | December 24, 2007 at 12:32 pm
What a lovely reflection. May all the season’s best shine upon you and Little Man.
10.
Lisa | December 24, 2007 at 12:48 pm
As always, you are an amazing woman. I find peace in your post and it is our sincere wish (Wifey, Munchkin, Trouble, Eraser, Sassy, and Onyx), that you continue to radiate these feelings. Karma will shine on you and you will get those things that you deserve. In the spaces in between, love LM dearly and share with him all those things that make you who you are.
Happy Holidays from Our House to Yours!
11.
betsyl | December 24, 2007 at 1:15 pm
okay, i just figured out how to cable this month, and i am so impressed with those socks i’m about to fall on the floor.
and i love that poem– it’s been a hard build up to solstice this year for me, and it’s a good reminder of the part where the sun is coming back. hurray, sun!
12.
ellen | December 24, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Greeting of the season, and all blessings rain down upon you. However painful or joyful, all happens for our growth. A difficult year is ending, and a year of growth and renewal begins for you.
13.
Meghann | December 24, 2007 at 5:40 pm
May this year bring you happiness and a better understanding of not only the world around you but yourself. Thank you for your post, which is beautiful.
14.
PainterWoman | December 24, 2007 at 9:09 pm
Would that be the Sunsan Cooper who wrote Dark is Rising? Happy Solstice… Hope all your days have an inner brightness and warmth.
15.
Maritza | December 24, 2007 at 10:07 pm
Happy belated Solstice to you!
16.
carole | December 25, 2007 at 2:37 pm
hey chica…I’m behind on my email reply, we are en route to Seattle, but I want to wish you happy happy holidays in the meantime, and here’s to a MUCH more peaceful 2008! xo
17.
Marcy | December 25, 2007 at 9:49 pm
I’m glad to hear you’re finding your peace, Mafia. You deserve it.
I utterly and completely understand about Newgrange. I’ve been there twice, and have a sterling ring with the complete pattern of the portal stone on it. Thanks for the solstice video.
18.
Pam | December 26, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Thank you for this beautiful message. I join you in looking ahead hopefully and healing a shattered heart. May the love of friends and family comfort you, and may the growing of the light echo the light in your heart.
Newgrange is an amazing place. I was there summer before last, and was awed by it’s power. Thank you for the link.
19.
honeybee33 | December 26, 2007 at 3:06 pm
Aho!
~ hb33 ~
20.
Em | December 27, 2007 at 6:17 pm
Merry (belated) Yule to you and Little Man. May this year’s turning bring you much brightness!
21.
Lucia | December 27, 2007 at 8:01 pm
I took a Yule hiatus from the blogosphere, and am slowly moving back in. Great post, a belated happy Yule, and may the waxing year bring growth for all of us.
22.
mamacate | December 28, 2007 at 1:13 am
Merry solstice (a little late!).
Thank you. May it be so.
23.
Laura | January 2, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Well, it’s a bit late now, but from one unconventionally spiritual person to another, happy Yule!
24.
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