An Apology « FemiKnitMafia

An Apology

November 25, 2007

I’ve been sleeping on the spare twin bed in Little Man’s room for the past couple months, and by way of explanation, we told Little Man that Mommy and Mama are fighting a lot and that sleeping in separate bedrooms might help. But since Xifey got the refinance of Ms. 1890 and I bought a condo, we had to tell him that I’ll be moving out. For posterity, here’s his teary response: (for reference: Mama=Xifey, Mommy=Mafia)

“But I want Mommy to stay here. This is our house. Why can’t Mommy live here with us?”
“Mama, if you and Mommy stop fighting, can Mommy come back home?”
“Mama, if you and I fight, will I have to get another house?”
“Mama, when I’m an adult, I’m going to fight with you and get my own house.”

It was the worst moment of my life, and I’d rather saw off my right tit than experience that again.

Tonight sucked too, because I was gone for Thanksgiving, and while I was gone, Xifey moved everything around the house, making piles of my stuff and hers. Welcome home, honey.

Plus, Little Man was super needy tonight, bouncing around the house and refusing to settle down to sleep. So I resorted to an old trick — the stand and sway. He’s a lot heavier now, but a mama’s love knows no boundaries. Instead of folding his little infant legs into my chest, his long legs dangled with toes near my knees. He twisted my necklace in one hand and twirled my hair with the other, and eventually he snuggled his chin into the side of my neck and his body went slack. I laid him down; he moaned. I pulled a pile of quilts over him; he twitched. I kissed his forehead, said goodnight, and apologized:

“Little Man, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. It breaks my heart to see you so anxious and sad. But as of Friday, you and I will have a new home. And yes, my dear, of course I will paint your room green and buy you a huge dinosaur to put on your dresser. Whatever you want, my love, whatever you want.”

Entry Filed under: Divorce, It's All About Me, Little Man, Xifey. .

58 Comments Add your own

1. Jenn C. | November 25, 2007 at 10:31 pm

Oh, that really is heartbreaking.

My heart goes out to both of you.
2. no-blog-rachel | November 25, 2007 at 10:52 pm

Ditto Jenn C. - I am so sorry!
3. Danielle | November 25, 2007 at 10:54 pm

Here’s a big hug for you and an extra one for LM. Did I mention that I am really good with a paintbrush? Anytime after December 13 …
4. Cetta | November 25, 2007 at 11:02 pm

Sigh. Divorce is so heartbreaking for the babies. All you can do is what you ARE doing - reassure, love and lots of hugs. THe two of you will come through.
5. Carry | November 25, 2007 at 11:05 pm

Oh honey, my heart breaks for you and Little Man…the stand and sway works no matter what size they are, though I have resorted to the sit and sway now that my oldest is nearly a foot taller than me…
6. megincl | November 25, 2007 at 11:10 pm

Heart is breaking, eyes are tearing.

Extra big hugs for you and LM. Peace to you…
7. Suzanne | November 25, 2007 at 11:16 pm

Heartbreaking indeed. I am so very sorry that Little Man has to go through this, but there is no other direction. I think it helps when PeachPit is sad to let her know that I feel the same way when I do.
8. Francesca | November 25, 2007 at 11:24 pm

It is heart wrenching, but some things are out of your control and I hope you can give yourself a break and not feel guilty for everything that is and will be upsetting your Little Man. You can’t fix everything in his life, no matter how much you want to. Good luck on Friday for the big move. I hope it goes smoothly and that your condo will be a comforting place. Take care.
9. Bertha | November 25, 2007 at 11:44 pm

Oh man, saddest thing ever
10. Emily | November 26, 2007 at 12:38 am

I am so sad, reading this. Sending extra-super-lots of love to the both of you. You will get through this.
11. PainterWoman | November 26, 2007 at 5:19 am

It is hard now, but in the long run, little man will be better off not growing up in a fight-club or war-zone. My children (now grown) tell me that they are glad each of their parents are happy now, and that they appreciate what each of us had to offer. I hope that the children of divorce who read your blog will tell you what was most helpful. Hugs and listening are a terrific start.
12. Thorn | November 26, 2007 at 7:01 am

Oh, poor sweet Little Man. And poor sweet you, too.

Big ol’ hugs to you both.
13. PumpkinMama | November 26, 2007 at 7:18 am

Heart…split…in…two…can’t….breathe. I ache for you both.
14. Julie | November 26, 2007 at 7:37 am

That was by far the hardest part of divorce for me and reading your post brings it all back. My “little man” is graduating college this year and I know he still bears the scars despite all appearances otherwise. I’d found a note in his room while painting it from a total stranger he’d talked to about divorce while on a plane ride between my house and his dad’s. Heartbreak all over again. I know it was the right thing to do and he’d have worse scars if it had gone otherwise but that doesn’t erase the guilt and pain over hurting the kids involved as was never the intention.
15. Carole | November 26, 2007 at 8:03 am

I’m hoping this will be the hardest and worst part and your understanding, patience and love will be what it takes to get LM through this time.
16. Anne | November 26, 2007 at 8:27 am

There will be hard moments coming, too, but luckily with little ones it tends to be more ebb and flow with this stuff than all-out 24/7 tsunami. Remember how LUCKY he is to have you, even though all the rest of this sucks.
17. Meghann | November 26, 2007 at 8:40 am

Our little ones can be absolutely gut-wrenching, huh? Time will heal and forgive for the both of you.
18. maryse | November 26, 2007 at 8:45 am

oh boy. i’m sorry girl. lots of hugs to little man.
19. Erin | November 26, 2007 at 9:30 am

Oh, honey. More hugs to you both.
20. Holly | November 26, 2007 at 9:48 am

Hugs to both of you. I have been where you are now and my 3 girls and I came through it. It really will get easier at some point. It is hard enough on us but unbearable for the children. My girls are all grown up and married now, but I know they still hurt.
21. Heather | November 26, 2007 at 9:54 am

I don’t even have the words. I’m heartbroken for both of you. Thank goodness he has you — a selfless parent, who will do ANYTHING to get him through.
22. Kathy | November 26, 2007 at 10:31 am

I am so, so sorry. Thinking of you and LM and wishing you both peace.
23. Pi Grrrl | November 26, 2007 at 10:47 am

I’m sorry.
24. Martha | November 26, 2007 at 10:55 am

I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. Take care of yourself–for LM, too.
25. femiknitter | November 26, 2007 at 11:02 am

This is just heartbreaking–I’m so sorry that you and your son have to go through it.

I’ll be thinking of you and the Little Man.
26. Maritza | November 26, 2007 at 11:38 am

Awwww, poor Little Man. I am so sorry that the two of you are going through this. Hugs to you and LM.
27. Marcy | November 26, 2007 at 12:04 pm

Ohhhhh, so hard! Big long hugs.
28. Sara | November 26, 2007 at 12:06 pm

totally heartbreaking. I’m a few months behind you in the process so your post is particularly poignant. Hugs all around…that has got to be the hardest part of the process.
29. Em | November 26, 2007 at 12:06 pm

That really is so sad. I hope for the very best for the both of you in your new condo. Hugs to you both.
30. Amy | November 26, 2007 at 12:47 pm

A neverending stream of *hugs* to you and your Little Man during this difficult time.
31. Lucia | November 26, 2007 at 1:07 pm

(((Mafia))) ((((LM))))

I’m a child of two divorces, and look how I turned out. Um, I mean, and I’m perfectly normal. Um, I mean, it’ll take some time, but you both will be just fine.
32. Lisa | November 26, 2007 at 1:37 pm

Oh Mafia, I am so sorry that you are going through this. This too shall pass and the both of you will be better off. Be strong for him. Do not forget to take care of yourself as well.

Don’t forget to lean on us when you need to! I woudl so be there with Danielel to paint if I could. I will paint virtually for you both!
33. Rhonda the Stitchingnut | November 26, 2007 at 2:04 pm

It’s never easy at any age. Mine were grown up and were devastated … and even then they barely understood the reasons until they matured. One out of 3 still doesn’t get it.

Just always reassure LM that he never did anything wrong, that you (both) love him, and he always has a place with you in your home. You just do the best that you can and you’ll both pull thru it all in the end.

Hugs
34. Manise | November 26, 2007 at 2:28 pm

So heartbreaking! I’m choked up…..continue to listen and hug your little guy and keep telling him how much you love him no matter what happens. Hugs to you both.
35. Justine | November 26, 2007 at 3:33 pm

sniff, sniff,… hang in there, both of you, it’s a long tough road .
36. Jenn | November 26, 2007 at 5:04 pm

Oh so hard. I know you don’t want to hurt your little man but of course as others have said, it’s best for everyone to get out of that situation.

Knowing you love him unconditionally will help him pull through all the tough times.

I’m not a child of divorce but sometimes I could still go for the stand and sway too. It works wonders.
37. Mary R | November 26, 2007 at 6:13 pm

I’m sorry for what you are going through. I hope that moving into the condo works out great for you and Little Man
38. Rabbitch | November 26, 2007 at 7:54 pm

This made me cry. I’m so sorry for you and for him.

The “good” part of me wants to be sorry for Xifey too but my evil twin just wants to get all stabbity.
39. Sitcomgirl | November 26, 2007 at 8:27 pm

That is gut-wrenching. But it’s better for him for you guys to be divorced than married and miserable and fighting. As long as you and Xifey continue treating him well and loving him, he’ll make it through this eventually.
Hugs to you both.
40. Hannah | November 26, 2007 at 8:53 pm

Awww, big hugs for both you and LM.
And tons of admiration for how well you’ve protected your little angel from the hell that is the end of a relationship.
Keep up the good work Mama!
41. Hannah | November 26, 2007 at 8:56 pm

I meant to say keep up the good work Mommy!
42. Kathode Ray Tube | November 26, 2007 at 9:45 pm

Wow, what a tough thing to sit down and tell your child. Having been through some tough things with my older one, kids are amazingly resilient. All we can do is love them and let them know we will always be there. And you do a great job of that.
43. benedetta | November 26, 2007 at 10:00 pm

it’s tough, but LM seems a resourceful guy to me, already trying to make sense of his changing world and how to make it all work.
lots of hugs
44. Cynical Knitting Gal | November 26, 2007 at 10:35 pm

Aww, hugs to both of you.
45. Ruth | November 27, 2007 at 12:09 am

My heart broke and my guts clenched as I read. I’m so sorry. You’ll both be o.k. in the long run, but I’m sorry it has to be so hard now.

Hugs to you and LM …
46. dewarewolfe | November 27, 2007 at 12:46 am

I’m so sorry that you and LM are going through this. I hope you both feel better in the new condo (and I’m sure the giant dinosaur will help!).
47. Carrie | November 27, 2007 at 3:29 am

I am so sorry that you and little man have to go through this. He is lucky to have such a sweet mommy to sway him. I hope that it gets better for you soon dear. Hugs.
48. Beth S. | November 27, 2007 at 12:31 pm

So very, very sad. But I think things will start to look up once he has a cool new room, and (more importantly!) a drama-free space to live in for at least part of the time.
49. DeltaDawn | November 27, 2007 at 1:51 pm

Big sigh and belated birthday wishes!
50. Dorothy | November 27, 2007 at 1:53 pm

Poor guy. The stand and sway is the best. Girly loves that too. Hugs to both of you.
51. Kathy Klinge | November 27, 2007 at 3:48 pm

Had to delurk for this. Give LM big, big hugs. He will be okay in time, because he has a mommy, (and a mama too, I’m sure, even if she needs a swift kick or twelve) who loves him very much. I can’t imagine how painful all this is for both of you. Hang in there, and know you have prayers coming from all around for you and LM.
52. Lucy | November 27, 2007 at 4:02 pm

My heart goes out both of you. Your love will get him through.
53. Sneaksleep | November 27, 2007 at 5:03 pm

Hugs (and swaying) to both of you. Very heartwrenching. But so much better than the alternative.
54. julia fc | November 27, 2007 at 5:31 pm

that may have been the sound of my heart snapping a little.
but really, dear chum, it will be fine in the long run as long as both of you agree that his feelings are the most important of all. I am a step mom of a pair of very stable fabulous kids, then 4 and 1.5, now 18 and 15, who are terrific, emotionally sound, creative and wise about the four of us parents who love them, and I credit the many bit tongues, the many careful choices of words over the years. Keep him first in your hearts, and he’ll come out of this better than you, perhaps.
55. honeybee33 | November 28, 2007 at 2:22 pm

As a fellow “child of divorce” … what Lucia said. ;~)

Seriously, I have found that *everyone* has their cross to bear, and if yer lucky in life it’s just the way your particular set of parents “f*cked up.” All the bad stuff that happened to me gave me perspective about how other people struggle, too, and made my own capacity for strength and compassion grow. They are both like foam insulation - they expand to fill the space that heartbreak leaves.

Which is to say that good things come from crap, too. And green is an *excellent* color for a bedroom.

~ hb33 ~
56. Erin | November 28, 2007 at 6:43 pm

Delurking to say this… My parents divorced when I was young, and the best advice I have (though it sucks sucks sucks for you) is to NEVER talk badly about LM’s Mama to him. (even if she does something stupid and hurtful to him… Keep all your anger and hurt about her out of your relationship with LM and out of his relationship with her. And he will be alright. And one day when he’s older, he’ll realize what you did for him and thank you for it. You will see the other side of this. Many good thoughts and hopes to you both.
57. dharma | January 25, 2008 at 1:45 pm

I just noticed by a post on Ravelry that things must have changed recently. So I came over to check up on you. I am so so sorry. A good friend is close to separating and wondering how and when to talk to the girls (ages 5 & 7). It is such a hard thing. Hugs to you.
58. Sarahfish | February 21, 2008 at 2:13 pm

Finally catching up on everyone, and I have to say this broke my heart. You know it’s the same sort of thing over here, though my LM hasn’t hit me with tearful non-understanding. Oh how that hurts. My heart breaks for you, even though it’s months ago now. I’ll say that things have to get better. It’s as much for you as for me…

Big hug Bella….

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