FemiKnitMafia

It’s beginning to look a lot like christmas. My dear sweet mommy offered to pay for the hotel room so I could go to Rhinebeck. [she has this cah-razy idea that i really need to get away] Xifey is willing to take Little Man for the weekend. There are just a couple final details I have to work out, the most important of which is:

1) Is anyone driving from Cambridge/Boston after work on Friday evening/night and wouldn’t mind a slightly depressed but totally capable of talking strictly about knitting for 3 hours car companion for the ride out there (not back)?

2) I’ve only been to small festivals before. Any idea how much cash I should set aside for this insanity? Please include the cost of highly alcoholic beverages in the total.

* Within a few days I’ll probably write a little divorce FAQ because I’m getting a lot of the same questions. Stay tuned. It’ll be password protected, but probably won’t include too much dirt. I have to maintain some boundaries, right? [stop laughing!] No seriously, I don’t mind putting my shit out there, but Xifey doesn’t jive with the blog thing, so I need to respect her wishes. [hate that. that, always being the considerate person. hate that.]

** I’m all binge/purge on email. Some days I respond like a mad woman. Other days I just can’t bear to look at it. If you’ve emailed me in the last couple days, I swear I’m not ignoring you. I’ll get to it soon, I promise. And keep ‘em coming. They’re truly sustaining.

Someone just punched me in the gut.

Last night was okay.  We were civil.  We communicated.  We tried to make some decisions about moving forward. I fell asleep feeling hopeful and relieved.  This morning I got up and out of the house without crying or zoning.  I was fine.

Then I saw a picture of apple picking.  For many years, even before Little Man, Xifey and I would gather a large group of family and friends and go apple picking.  In recent years, as friends moved away, the apple picking became a family affair.  And because Xifey’s family is local, it became a tradition with her extended family.  When I saw that picture, a symbol of our former life together, the loss felt deep, profound, and insurmountable.  My stomach knotted and bile pushed up into my esophagus.  The pain is so physical.

I know this period of my life will feel like a roller-coaster, and I know things will hit me when I least expect them.  But damnit, it hurts when someone punches you in the gut.

The comments here. Holy shit, the comments. Who are these people? And yet I know these people. These are my people. Where did all these people come from and how do I deserve all this kindness and support? I can read and read and reread and use these comments as a mantra to help me take one more step toward my uncertain future, my son’s uncertain future.  Thank you, from the deepest part of my broken little heart, thank you for taking the time to express your support.  Thank you.

Look! I’m knitting. Almost done with the stripey mittens. In fact, I started the hand decreases tonight.

See my crooked bird flying at Danielle while she took the picture? Yep, I’m charming. Clearly I was provoked.

*The password for the protected posts can be accessed by writing to me at thefeministmafia AT yahoo DOT com. If I don’t know you, I reserve the right to say no. If I say no, please don’t take it personally. It’s freaky over there. Intense. Personal. Raw. And I’m trusting the people I let into that space to treat me very gently.

How to blog about this?

What do I say?

Simply: I’m Crushed. Shocked. Limp. Embarrassed. Scared. Lost. Broken.

This week has nearly broken my heart. But I’m proud to say that I was the first person to buy a limited-run print of Lisa Congdon’s incredible Birch Forest painting during her Etsy shop update today. I feel a little better. Now I just need to get my mitts on either this piece, or maybe this one.

ETA: Got the bird.  It’s a softer message that will carry me through.  Thank dog for Lisa.

Does anyone know of a really good budget tool (ideally online)? And for that matter, I used to use MSMoney and really liked it, but when I switched to Quicken for Mac, I found it seriously disappointing and just stopped using it (bad Mafia, bad!). What do you use? We are terrible about doing a budget and keeping to a budget and paying our bills regularly, and it’s high time for a new system. Any ideas? What do you do? [and if you'd prefer to tell me privately, feel free to email: thefeministmafia AT yahoo DOT com] THANKS!

To ensure that there’s some Favorite Things Monday action, here are my Flickr Favorites from this past week.

***** THANKS a bundle for all the sweet (and hilarious) comments to my last post. There may be more malaise on the way, so if you keep it comin’, I’ll keep posting knitting pictures. Deal? *****

*don’t click the links if you’re of delicate stock*but if you are, why are you here?*just sayin’*

1. Bat eviction: $850. Removal of bat shit: $1900. Rental of dumpster into which ALL of our insulation will be thrown: $WTF/200+? Replacement of ALL insulation: $JC-on-a-stick/700+. My new opinion of bats.

2. Car accident. Everyone is fine. Our one and only car is not fine. Our insurance rates - really not fine.

3. Economics is hard, but my Leading Individuals and Organizations class rocks.

4. Coffee spilled into the older computer. My willingness to share new computer is nill. Buying a replacement computer may be inevitable.

5. The earliest train gets me home at 11:45pm on two consecutive school nights. I’m tired now, only two weeks into classes. I can only imagine how I’ll feel in early December.

I want to lie on my couch, eat chocolate, buy shoes, knit cashmere at 10 times my normal knitting speed, and watch Lena Headey movies.

Is that too much to ask?

the first time, you were scratchy and biased

and you fell apart if i tugged too hard

in time, i learned how to twist you without breaking you

after a long bath i realized how truly dirty you were

you softened and relaxed and draped yourself across my lap

your twists less sharp, but biased still

because you’re a single looking for the way

ETA: Please go send some love to Grace, the most adorable, sweetest and strongest little 4 year old girl I know. Grace is my dear friend Nina’s daughter, and she broke her clavicle. Nina has opened comments on her blog to allow folks to post messages to Grace, which Nina will read to Grace while she’s recovering.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Thanks to Knitigator Kathy>, I took this interesting little quiz. I was convinced that I’d get To Kill a Mockingbird too, but I’ll take Invisible Man. It’s a strange result, I grant you, but no one knows my name ’round these parts, so perhaps there’s something to it:

You’re Invisible Man!

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

*Now where are those articles I’m supposed to be reading?