Bat Wars
August 16, 2007
Last night.
11:45 pm: Wifey wakes up to our docile kitty Grace growling and jumping around in Little Man’s bedroom. Then she hears the tell-tale sounds of a bat.
11:45 & 30-seconds pm: Yours Truly, self-appointed leader of The Feminist Mafia, and protector of pansy-ass-Wifeys worldwide, discovers TWO bats in Little Man’s room. One under Grace’s paw. One circling the new light fixture. I scream like a little girl, grab the boy, and run back to our room.
11:55pm: Heart still racing, I re-enter the war zone. I gather my courage and perform a Xena-howling-back-flip (watch from the 1 minute mark). While the cat holds the bat down, I throw a plastic washpan over it. Yes, Batilda is trapped! But where is Stellaluna? I return to base camp to assess the situation.
12:05am: After creeping around the entire house with my sword held high a broom, I hear the cat again. She’s standing on Little Man’s bed, and meowing at his curtains. If she could, she’d be standing there rolling her eyes, pointing to the window and saying, “dumb ass, it’s right over here.”
12:05-12:30am: Wifey is practically pissing herself with laughter on the -outside- of Little Man’s door while I’m engaged in mortal battle with Stellaluna. The bat circles my head, I swing the broom and shriek. The bat circles my head, I swing the broom and grunt. The bat circles my head, I swing the broom and curse. And so on. Finally, I stare deep into Stellaluna’s beady little eyes and say “I’m gonna kick your ass.” Thankfully Wifey is laughing so hard that she doesn’t hear that line.
12:30: There’s a glitch in Stellaluna’s sonar and I finally knock her out of the air and trap her under a basket. Yes! But what now?
Our local Police Department, entirely unhelpful (as usual).
Me: Can I get an Animal Control Officer over here to pick up a couple bats that I found in my son’s room so I can get them tested for rabies?
PD: Ma’am, did the bat bite your son?
Me: I don’t know, he was sleeping.
PD: Well, did you wake your son up and ask him if he was bitten by a bat?
Me: No, he was sleeping. If a bat bit him and he realized that a bat bit him, the entire neighborhood would know it.
PD: Can you see any bite marks on your son?
Me: No, but do -you- know what a bat bite looks like? [resisting the urge to say, "well let's see, there are two small circular wounds on his neck that are swollen and oozing a slightly green substance, and there's a tall pale man standing in the corner."]
PD: Ma’am, did you see the bat bite your son?
- - ad nauseum - -
Long story short, the bats are still alive and trapped in Little Man’s room (11:30 am). The local Police, Animal Control and Conservation Offices were all complete a-holes when I called them this morning, so I called the State Department of Public Health, who assured me that I did the right thing, and that Batilda and Stellaluna should both be tested for rabies. Supposedly someone will come to my house to get the bats today.
I made an appointment with a Bat Exclusion company for Monday.
And I’ll be buying some lumber to make a bat house this weekend. I’ll even apply a fresh coat of paint, pay for utilities, and provide free parking if they sign the lease.
And docile kitty Grace, the hero of the house, got an extra scoop of Cat Chow this morning.
Entry Filed under: It's All About Me, Little Man, Ms. 1890, Xifey. .
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1.
Kat | August 16, 2007 at 1:01 pm
Wow. Miss 1890 must be exhausted this morning after all that hullabaloo last night.
2.
pumpkinmama | August 16, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Much more entertaining that being up with a teething babe all night, thats for sure! Hope the removal crew arrives promptly.
3.
Jen | August 16, 2007 at 1:43 pm
My partner discovered a bat in his apartment last night, squealed, scrambled out of his place and over to mine where I had to console him and encourage him that there weren’t any bats in my apartment so he could finally remove his arms from around his head.
I am impressed by your mad skillz.
4.
Beth S. | August 16, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Oh good, I’m glad you’ve got professionals coming! Three times is too many.
LMAO at your Xena imitation.
5.
Teresa C | August 16, 2007 at 2:00 pm
I’m so a pansy-assed-wifey! When Pete is travelling will you come protect me? You aren’t that far.
(I’m only partly joking you know.)
6.
Sneaksleep | August 16, 2007 at 2:26 pm
Yay for Xena-Mafia! What an adventurous night! Hope you’re able to get some actual sleep tonight…
7.
maryse | August 16, 2007 at 2:47 pm
ok, pansy-assed wifey doesn’t get to laugh her ass off while you’re trying to protect your family from winged vermin.
and i think your wonder cat need a little can of tuna too.
8.
sara l | August 16, 2007 at 3:26 pm
Not surprising in our hometown… i’ve had multiple calls to the same PD about a vicious neighborhood dog. “sorry can’t do anything until it attacks your dog” and “can you videotape this behavior?”… um no… i’m trying to either get my dog away from said vicious dog, or i’m in the process of CARRYING MY BABY to the car when the dog comes on MY PROPERTY and growls and bares teeth at me. When exactly WOULD i video tape this?
Our tax dollars hard at work, at least the bridge will be opening soon..
9.
Lisa | August 16, 2007 at 3:47 pm
Xena-Mafia! I love it!
I am so gald that the professionals are coming to help. It you figure out a way to get them to sign the lease, let me know so that I can get them to sign mine too.
10.
mote | August 16, 2007 at 3:47 pm
Oh dear. I think I just realized what all the droppings I’ve been sweeping off of our front stoop are from…
11.
Kim | August 16, 2007 at 3:53 pm
Yay for Grace! I’m quite sure my kitty would be hiding if there were bats in the room.
12.
Meghann | August 16, 2007 at 4:00 pm
Wow! What a night! We had a bat in our house last year…..one morning it flew right by me and I grabbed my daughter and ran out of the house and called my husband at work and made him come home and get rid of it!
13.
PatchesMom1973 | August 16, 2007 at 4:46 pm
What an awesome story. Your kitty Grace looks very much like my Patches!! She would love to get her paws on a bat.
14.
Heather | August 16, 2007 at 6:20 pm
Good, work, momma, and hooray for the cat! Once was cute, twice interesting, 3 times — major pests. Hope they cen get the little buggers to stay where they belong now!
15.
Mel | August 16, 2007 at 7:22 pm
Protect & serve, my ass. Lazy fuckers.
Fingers crossed for negative test results.
16.
katie | August 16, 2007 at 8:30 pm
So frustrating that the police weren’t at least respectful if not knowledgeable–bat bites are tiny.
Last time we had a bat in the house my reaction was to pull the covers up over my head and go back to sleep. Christer had to wake me up enough to get me to move into the other room.
17.
Suzanne | August 16, 2007 at 9:18 pm
This should definitely go on your vitae.
18.
Cynical Knitting Gal | August 16, 2007 at 10:49 pm
Whew! We are very lucky to have a Xena-Mafia in our midst.
19.
PainterWoman | August 17, 2007 at 4:09 am
TWICE in one night! WOWIE ZOWIE. And in less than an hour, too. Perhaps the Health Department or Animal Control dept in your fair city would “care” more than the PD?
Any chance you are going to the Knitter’s Review Retreat in Lenox?
20.
DeltaDawn | August 17, 2007 at 7:26 am
I can’t decide which one I’d be - I can totally see laughing til I cried, but had a similar swinging broom incident last night. So I was just after a moth so that my crazy cat wouldn’t destroy the kitchen going after it, but similar. And I was about to write that I was jealous of your close relationship with Stellaluna - I’ll keep my mouth shut now.
I also need to tell you I’ve nominated you for the silly-yet satisfying Rockin Girl Blogger Award (button). I see by your recent verb creating exercise that it’s more than an understatement, but boy do I enjoy your blog!
I’m sure there’s no rabies involved - but my fingers will stay crossed. Hope if they’re okay they’ll be happy to have you as their Sugar-Mafia in their new abode!
21.
Francesca | August 17, 2007 at 11:43 am
What would we do without cats and broom swinging heroes?
I hope your bats have found a good home and everything is back to normal!
22.
Haddy | August 17, 2007 at 12:36 pm
You’re my hero. I hope everything has turned out ok and that Little Man is healthy and safe.
23.
Rhonda the Stitchingnut | August 18, 2007 at 6:03 am
One bat is bad enough, but 2 in one night to 2 too many. But you may have more in the attic. Is there a moving company around that specializes in bat-vermin relocating? But a couple of those bat condos out in the garden area would certainly help.
BTW, Grace deserves many praises and treats for protecting the boy like that. Good kitty!
24.
Anne | August 18, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Oh I love bats… we are seriously fortunate not to have rabies or any variation thereof over on this side of the pond… well, at least not on this island. But we have bats in our barn and they swoop out over the pond at dusk. They also have a nursery system for raising their young and leave a few adults in charge whilst the others go swooping in the dusk. Glad you’ve got them sorted, though.
25.
Katy | August 20, 2007 at 11:31 am
One bat in our house (ten days ago) was enough for me, esp. after I spotted another one sleeping in our attic. I have had Bat-Related PTSD since then.
The Bat Guys came this morning and searched the attic, sealed everything up, etc. It cost more than the new spinning wheel I wanted, but I guess it’s worth it if I will finally be able to sleep again at night! Yuck!
26.
Lucia | August 20, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Last time a bat got into our house I revealed myself to be a complete bat-wuss, shrieking and ducking while Grant yelled, “Catch it!” Yeah, right, not without full body armor, buster. Well done! (Maybe with a light cream sauce?)
27.
roro | August 20, 2007 at 5:32 pm
I’m CRYING with laughter, reading this. You are the bravest bat battler EVER!!!
28.
Dorothy | August 31, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Now that there is a funny story! Your animal control officers sound about as useful as ours.