Zoe Mellor — Bite Me (part 2)
March 1, 2006
I have been accused of many many things in my life, most of which were more or less true. On many occasions, I have called myself a knitting-math-moron, and there is ample evidence to back me up. However, the Knitting Olympics inspired me to stand tall, look knitting-math in the eye and say “Fuck Off, I’m Smarter Than You.” I did, and here I am: 
Why doesn’t this feel like victory?
Something is not.right.here.
(other than the horrible pix courtesy of Wifey’s camera phone which is standing in for the Elph which we left at Pepere’s house. Sorry.)
Let’s investigate:
1) Knit back (check)
2) Knit front to 13″ (check)
3) Knit “until front matches back to shoulder” (check)
4) Knit sleeves to 9 1/2″ (check)
5) End up with Chicken Wings (huh?)
Even I know this isn’t right. So I asked Wifey - the 7th/8th grade math teacher - and she made me do algebra:
Step 1: Measure Little Man’s current favorite fleece. Body 15″, sleeves 11″ (from underarm to cuff)
Step 2: Do some cross multiplication. 11 over 15 = x over 13 ….knashing of teeth, horror at my own ignorance … x = 9.7″
Step 3: 9.7″ = appropriate sleeve length? Hmmm … as we see above, this is not true. 9.5/9.7=Chicken Wing. Apparently the evil Mellor Publisher did the same math.
But nooooooooo you evil people of knitting book publishing — these are drop shoulder sleeves. The longest measurement needs to run from the shoulder to the cuff, which MIRACULOUSLY (can you hear the sarcasm?) should be about the same measurement as the body - 13″. So, once again, Zoe Mellor is wrong! Wrong. Wrong!
Through this entire saga, I’ve tried to be kind (sorta). I’ve avoided name-calling. I’ve questioned myself. I even resorted to my old stand-by self-depracting humor. But damnit. I’m done. This pattern writing is completely idiotic!
Can I get a gold medal for finishing this f-ing sweater, posting pattern corrections and a f-ing CHART? Puh-lease? Turtles — maybe someone can design a GREEN (which is #33cc00 BTW) version of the medal?
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1.
Alison | March 2, 2006 at 4:02 pm
Deep breaths. Cross multiplication? That’s way too complicated. Here’s what my designer hat thinks you should do: measure the favorite fleece from the middle of the back to the sleeve cuff. Measure your sweater from middle back to sleeve cuff. The difference is how much longer the sleeves need to be to match the fleece’s length. In your first picture the sleeves look pretty proportional to me… but the measuring will tell.
2.
Danielle | March 2, 2006 at 4:20 pm
My deepest sympathies.
3.
christine | March 2, 2006 at 4:42 pm
have you been in contact with the designer? the least they can do is reimburse you for your expense (in sanity, perhaps).
anyway, no sweat. maybe you can start a new trend (for real) for a half-sleeved sweater over a long-sleeve turtleneck or undershirt. cute layering! or you can amend it to be a just-as-adorable vest. it will be okay!
btw, <3 to the hex values.
4.
Local Egg | March 2, 2006 at 4:53 pm
I can’t help with the green medal, but since the medals look CDs and I have access to a seemilgly unlimited supply of blank media, I can make you a pretty blue medal (CD), OR a lovely purple one (DVD)! You totally deserve it for sloggin through to the end!
5.
Frayed Edge | March 2, 2006 at 7:00 pm
I am sorry about the sweater. Truly, I am. I am not laughing at your dilema, but your humor can’t be beat. I am sitting at my desk almost in tears, you are too funny and seem to be making the best of this situation. Keep us updated as to the outcome, please.
6.
Kellee | March 9, 2006 at 10:14 pm
I’m slow(as befits a turtle), but I’m on it!