FemiKnitMafia

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS to those amazing Knitathletes who finished their projects yesterday. I am in awe — so impressed by the amazing projects I’ve seen in the last 24 hours.

After reading about two excellent knitters who, like me, didn’t get the gold medal, I joked with Ms. Obsession that we should have our own “little post-Olympic knit along that we could name ‘Last One to Cross the Finish Line KAL’ or the ‘Rotten Egg KAL’”. She immediately responded with this hilarious button:

So in the spirit of all those KnitAthletes who had personal crises, occupational hazards, illness, kids, or swollen fingers, I invite you to the TURTLE KAL. May all the slow-but-steady green beings of the world unite in a goal of completion, on our own schedules.

Ms. Obsession says it well:

“It’s a heartbreaking defeat, but I will not be daunted. I will not give up. I WILL finish this sweater THIS WEEK or die trying. The torso is complete, and the hood has about 6 rows completed. There’s also about 6 inches of a sleeve. I can DO it. I can. Stop laughing. So you see, I can’t talk now. MUST.KEEP.KNITTING.”

Ms. Jess says it well:

“I’m disappointed that I didn’t finish, but I feel really good about the way I did it. I chose something that was a real challenge and strove for the gold, but I didn’t sacrifice my standards. I ripped out 4″ of the front chest, and dropped 2-4 stitches 20+ rows to fix cable mistakes FOUR TIMES. I didn’t finish in time for a medal, but I did do something wonderful and without sacrifice. And I’m not done yet! The medals may already have been awarded, but I’m going to keep going until I cross the finish line too.”

TURTLES UNITE! Slow But Steady … steal a button and join us.

*EDITED TO ADD: If you leave your site address in the comments, I’ll add you to the Turtle Along blogroll on the sidebar. When you’ve crossed the Olympic finish line, drop me an email at TheFeministMafia AT yahoo DOT com and I’ll turn you GREEN.

Note to self: Never Move to South Dakota!

*thanks to Pinko Feminist Hellcat for the story.

I’m beginning to understand Grumperina’s frustrations with pattern writers. I’ve been working at the Zoe Mellor “Chunky Cabled Sweater” from Adorable Knits for Tots for several months (6, on an off?). Within 4 inches of the start, I realized the center cable was completely and totally wrong. As my first real cable project, I wondered if it was me. Nope, it wasn’t. Then I tried three different cable designs until I came up with something suitable. After I completed the back, I realized that it wasn’t a perfect fix. Grrr. But I didn’t want to start over, so I decided to accept the less-than-perfect solution (story of my life …) and knit the front with the same cable.

When I started the sleeves, I thought I’d try a slightly different cable to see if I could match the cable in the photos. Noone would notice a tiny change in the cable between the sleeves and the body, right? About 4 inches into that I realized I was making a stupid amateurish error and only increasing on one side of the sleeves. Stupid. I ripped. After a couple days of train rides and SnBs, I got a couple more inches done. And I cheered at the center cable - it finally matched the photos perfectly.

Today, through the miracle of snow, Wifey’s nose in a good book, and Little Man’s growing ability to play by himself, I was able to spend the better part of the afternoon knitting. With the smell of Olympic Gold wafting about my living room, I got to 8 inches (out of 9 1/2) and realized the increases weren’t happening quickly enough. I went back and read the pattern for the 10,000th time and realized that I was supposed to increase 1 stitch on EACH side of each 4th row. I was only increasing 1 stitch on ONE side of each 4th row. Fuck.Fuck.FuckityFuck. I am SO PISSED!

I know I can’t blame this last error on Zoe Mellor, but if they had published a chart, it would have been obvious long ago. I would’ve noticed that my row count wasn’t accurate on row 8 instead of INCH 8!! Is it too much to expect a chart for a pattern that includes a dense center cable, 6 twists, 4 4-st cables and endless seed stitch on each piece?

So alas, I’ve given up my dreams of Olympic glory. I won’t be getting a gold medal in the individual competition. Good thing I never actually registered as an individual. But I’ll get a gold in the team competition for sure.

I’m off to FFFFRRRRROOOOOOGGGG! damn.

After a glorious Kris show, I walked all.the.way.down. Brattle Street to find the car. As I’m strolling along to the beat of acoustic girl-guitar, coat wide open after 4 hours of sweltering Passim hippie-heat, flush with parental pride at my lovely boy who clapped, squealed with delight, paid attention, and charmed everyone in the place, I see a jogger. A man. He’s just finished his run and is standing next to his car with the door flung open. He’s wearing only running shorts (hello…February?) and he’s lean and muscular. He’s drying his face and chest with a towel. He has no modesty is confident - proudly standing on Brattle Street, car flung wide open, half naked on a February night. I have visions of fraternities and blond het-girls and football and beer and then a business career and a killer golf swing and a supple leather briefcase and eventually a Volvo and a golden retriever and a swingset and the perfect salt and pepper hair.

As I play out this man’s life in my mind, I’m getting closer and closer to him. As I near the still wide open car, I hear music pouring out. It takes me a moment to realize it’s Les Miserables.

I was too afraid to tell her. But Hey-Zeus if we haven’t all been there. Some of us moronic mafiaosos more recently than others –

The Knitting Goddess smacked me in the face this morning. Wake up Mafia, you overly-confident, almost-to-the-self-imposed-finish-line, IDIOT. Perhaps you noticed from yesterday’s photo of two sleeves that I was increasing on only ONE side. Dumb.Ass.Amateur.Move. Why didn’t you tell me??? Scaredy readers.

Ummmm. yeah. — I spent the entire train ride this morning Ripping, Picking at Plies and Reorienting the little fuckers Stitches. Frig!

But hey … it’s all good [insert imaginary pot smoke exhale here] ‘cuz I’m goin’ to see KRIS tonight at Club Passim with Wifey, Little Man, Isadora and Marisa! The last time Little Man went to a Kris show he was at 4 months old. He was fascinated. So keep your fingers crossed that Lugh (freshly home after her spay surgery) is intact and that Little Man’s current bought of “explosive diarrhea” has passed. Or let’s just hope that Wifey has cleaned the car seat, packed several outfits, stashed emergency binkies* in every possible nook and cranny, and that Little Man will react to Kris in person the same way he does in the car, and fall asleep on my shoulder during the first set. Either way, I’m coming home smelling like hummus.

*Yes, he’s too old. Yes, I’m soft on this issue. Yes, we have limits - they’re only allowed in bed and in case of Mommies Needing Some Sexy Female Singer Songwriter Live In Person With Friends Unfortunately Timed While Babysitter Is Out Of Town Socializing. Got something to say about it? huh? huh? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Kisses!

I’ve completed the front and back of Little Man’s Chunky Cabled Sweater.

But I’m on a mad dash to complete the sleeves before the weekend. I can’t wait to see his blond curls skim the dark turquiose neckband.

MUSH!

Today Angry Chicken hit it dead-on for two reasons:

1. The Knitting Olympics is in full swing and while I technically finished the two blocks that I committed to, I want to finish the Chunky Cabled Sweater for Little Man before he grows out of the damn thing, and

2. I’m an obsessive lunatic who is constantly overanalyzing life, the meaning of life, my career, my relationship, my son’s IQ/natural abilities, my career, my relationship, my musical tastes, my commitment to social justice vs. my innate laziness, my commitment to social justice vs. my need to draw yarn through loops, my career, my relationship, and if my idiotic attempts to steer my family clear of financial disaster will ever actually work considering that I drop $20 on yarn at the drop of a needle.

So, yes, I need to read this today (and every day). Does this resonate with you?

Common Sense Rules For Mental Health
There are a few simple rules which can be depended upon to help you develop habits of thinking and acting that will safeguard mental and emotional health:

- The American Red Cross Home Nursing Manual, 1942.

1) Square #1 (Sunday, Monday, Tuesday)

2) Square #2 (Wed & Thurs)

3) Squares seamed to growing blanket (Friday morning commute)

4) Shop for VDay gift for Wifey - DONE
5) Care for Little Man - DONE
6) Clean house - DONE
7) Prep for 4-hour class - DONE
Teach 4-hour class - DONE
9) Bake chocolate chip cookies for the colleague who guest spoke at 4-hour class - DONE
10) Do FT job - DONE
11) Sleep? Yeah … not so much.

I’m looking forward to sleeping tonight, an artistic adventure with Wifey and Little Man tomorrow, working on Little Man’s Chunky Cabled Sweater, and grading some papers (I’m a devil with a bright blue pen and a penchant for A minuses).

-You’re a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.
-You don’t lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart.
-Your ideal Valentine’s Day date: is all about the person you’re seeing (with no mentions of v-day!)
-Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic
-What turns you off: romantic expectations and “greeting card” holidays
-Why you’re hot: you don’t just play hard to get - you are hard to get

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And in OLYMPIC KNITTING CONTENT

I completed one 8×8″ square for the MIT Relay Team. Hooray! I like to call it “The-Cross-Whenever-I-Damn-Well-Please-Cable-Pattern” not to be confused with a cable pattern that requires a row counter and a fully awake knitter.

I have another 8×8″ square to do before lunch on Thursday. Between now and then I have a Wifey to VDay shop for, a child to care for, a house to avoid clean, a 4-hour class to prepare for, a 4-hour class to teach, a batch of chocolate chip cookies to make for a colleague for being a guest speaker at said 4-hour class, and FT job to do for 16 hours out of the next 48. Sleep? Who needs sleep? OLYMPIANs don’t need no stinkin’ sleep!!

In better news, once Friday rolls around, I am DONE with my portion of the Relay. But I’m already thinking I should try to complete Little Man’s languishing Chunky Cabled Sweater before the end of the Olympics. Am I crazy or what?

The Knitting Olympics Athletes Pledge

I, a knitter of able hands and quick wits, to hereby swear that over the course of these Olympics I will uphold the highest standard of knitterly excellence.

I will be deft of hand and sure of pattern, I will overcome troubles of yarn overs and misplaced decreases. I will use the gifts of intelligence and persistence (as well as caffeine and chocolate) and I will execute my art to the highest form, carrying with me the hope for excellence known to every knitter.

I strive to win. To do my best, and to approach the needles with my own best effort in mind, without comparing myself to my fellow knitters, for they have challenges unique to them.

While I engage in this pursuit of excellence and my own personal, individual best, I also swear that I will continue to engage with my family in conversation, care for my pets, speak kindly with those who would ask me to do something other than knit, and above all, above every stitch thrown or picked, above every cable, every heel stitch, every change of colour, I swear this:

That I will remember that this is not the real Olympics, that I’m supposed to be having fun and that my happiness and self-worth ride not on my success….but on my trying.

Let the games begin!

—> written by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, The Yarn Harlot, and shameless instigator fearless leader of these Knitting Olympics